Relationship Milestones

Full Transcript

Hi, I’m Kale!

And I’m Victor! Today we wanted to talk about relationship anarchist milestones; some of the ways we show meaning, significance, and importance in our relationships.

In our last video we talked about what is the relationship escalator. Relationship anarchists are inherently off the escalator. And once you’re off the relationship escalator, relationship milestones can look different.

Right, so let’s talk about what some of those relationship milestones are.

The definition of a milestone is an action or event marking a significant change or stage in development. Today we’ll talk about some typical and atypical ones.

Relationship Anarchists show meaning in lots of ways including some typical ones. 

For example, they might: celebrate amount of time of time they spend together in a relationship by celebrating anniversaries or keep things like toothbrushes at each others’ houses.

Yes! Or exchange building keys, go on vacations together, or meet each others’ families or chosen families.

But what if you are in a relationship with someone who doesn’t want to celebrate anniversaries?  Or doesn’t want to introduce you to their family?

[dramatic] What do we do!? What do we dooooo?

That can be a normal reaction… Sort of.

Right! It is valid and okay to feel like that. It’s real that some people won’t enjoy traditional milestones! So let’s look at some alternatives that will hopefully help keep you panic free.

A Relationship Anarchist also can celebrate relationships in atypical ways. 
    •    They might notice how each is showing up over time
    •    They might do a brand new activity together for the first time
    •    Or share their passions with each other
    •    And not take anything for granted

So one way I think about milestones in relationships is through the lens of Compassionate Communication or Nonviolent Communication sometimes called NVC. 

So for those people watching who haven’t heard of NVC, can you describe it a little bit?

Absolutely! So Marshall Rosenberg wrote a book a called Nonviolent Communication and he talks about his framework of needs exchange and a no pressure system of making requests. 

Right! The idea is to learn the core need behind a request so you can find satisfying alternatives.

Right! I find it helps me get clear on what I need and want which gets me better outcomes when I’m negotiating.

Demo time! 
Hey Kale, I’m feeling insecure about my screenwriting, and I guess that means I have a need for validation, so would you be interested in maybe giving me a hug [to] help support me?Today I kinda don’t feel like a hug, but could I support you verbally instead?
Yeah! Yeah!
Victor, I think you do a great job, and I love co-writing scripts with you.
*squeals* really?
Yeah!
*cooes*
Oh my god! Now I want to hug you!
YOU CAN HUG ME!
*squees*
*alternative affectionate noise*

So let’s talk about some alternative milestones and the needs they feed!
    •    One of the alternative milestones you might notice is having a bonding metamour experience. This can feed needs for community, security, visibility, or approval.
    •    One fun milestone is sharing unique or first time experiences with each other like going to festivals. This can feed needs for novelty, adventure, or connection.
    •    Another milestone that people sometimes miss is surviving the first fight together. This can feed needs for emotional security, trust, or forgiveness.
    •    One recurring alternative milestone is being vulnerable or intimate with our core identities or other closely guarded knowledged. This is often marked by feelings of satisfied needs for trust, support, validation, intimacy.

These type of atypical milestones are significant even if they are not as visible. 

Right. Your relationship are worthy no matter what milestones you choose to celebrate. What matters is how you feel and that you’re able to communicate it.

Yeah. It’s important that you’re on the same page about these things. If you value different milestones, it can lead to feeling unloved, uncared for, and even feeling hurt. If it’s meaningful for you to leave your favourite slippers at someone’s house, and they don’t make space for that, you should probably talk about it. 

Right. No judgments - why is there resistance? What’s your core need that you want to get met? And what core need of theirs maybe isn’t getting met in celebrating that milestone? More importantly, if you’re unable to resolve that needs conflict, is this a milestone you can live without?

These situations are actually opportunities to learn alternative milestones that work better for both of you. 

Absolutely! And it gives you an opportunity to reconcile your expectations inside of that relationship.

f you want to chat more to fellow relationship anarchists, there is an RA FAcebook group. And you can follow myself or Victor on Twitter.

You can find those links and more resources down below. And feel free to join the conversation and leave us a question or a comment.

Baaai!

Those are. Those are my goals. Panicked reaction.
You can do like this and a bunch of stuff without falling out of your chair.
I could. I could!
But you don’t want to!

*cooing repeatedly*
*laughing*

It’s normal to have a reaction like that… sort of.
… [whispered] that’s my line.

If you want to chat with fellow relationship anarchists you can join the RA Facebook group on Facebook.
*laughing maniacally*
 

The Relationship Escalator

Full Transcript:

Hi I’m Kale!

And I’m Victor! Today we want to talk about the relationship escalator: what that is, and how it impacts our relationships. How would you describe the relationship escalator?

I would say the relationship escalator is basically the way society thinks a relationship is ‘supposed’ to go, the default. Picture an escalator. It’s always moving upward and forward. That is how we know a relationship is going the ‘right’ way. 

Exactly. It’s the script we are told to follow. There are steps, and there is an ultimate goal. It is moving towards a destination.

It is such a common narrative, that most people won’t even think twice if that is how their relationship is structured. 

On offescalator.com, Aggie Sez describes eight steps of the relationship escalator, including stages like ‘Making Contact’ - think flirting, dates, sex, etc; ‘Claiming and Defining’ - think choosing labels like boyfriend / girlfriend; and ‘Legacy’ - think buying a home and raising children. 

If you want to learn more, check out the book, Stepping Off the Relationship Escalator, which we will link down below.

The stages will probably sound very familiar to you, and they are the most common way that media suggests relationships play out in our lives.

That’s right. But as most of us probably know, that’s only one of many, many ways to have a relationship. For some, the escalator works great, and we aren’t here to judge. But we also want to recognize that it’s not for everyone.

We should explore some of the ways that people can step off the escalator.

Non-monogamy is probably the most obvious here. The expectation of society is that you are going to have one long term partner.

Which ought to look like being sexually exclusive with one person.

Right.

Another way you can step off is hierarchy. The relationship escalator is inherently hierarchical, and places one relationship above all other relationships.

So just by practicing relationship anarchy, you are stepping off the escalator. 

We are off the escalator!

We are so far off the escalator!

Bye escalator! 

Instead of relying on one person to exclusively meet all our needs for intimacy, love, and sex, relationship anarchy frees us up to explore each other to the point that is functional, healthy, and enjoyable for all parties.

You don’t have to end a relationship because the escalator is not progressing. You don’t need to push people into places they aren’t comfortable with.

There are definitely a lot of benefits, but there can be a lot of challenges and social consequences. Many practicing relationship anarchists probably know, it’s not for the faint of heart.

One of the concerns with getting rid of the relationship escalator though, is that it can be challenging to find milestones that indicate meaning, significance, or importance.

Right! 

Sometimes we lose the little things like rituals, privileges, and courtesies that remind us how special we are to our lovers.

I think that’s a whole other video!

For sure. Let’s make our next video about relationship milestones in RA configurations.

Perfect, let’s do it.

If you want, you can join the RA Facebook group, or follow Kale or myself on Twitter, all which you’ll find down below. 

We are working on making more videos, so if you have a comment or question, feel free to post those down in the comment section.

Bye!
 

Update and Intro

Full Transcript

Hi, I’m Kale. And this is Victor.

Hi!

This is my first video in awhile! I want to talk about what I’ve been up to for the past year, introduce you to Victor and talk about what we’re going to get up to.

A little over a year ago, I started a pretty big project that basically took over my life. It came out of an idea where I wanted to foster sex positive communities and conversations. 

I had an idea to create a conference here in Vancouver, Canada that brought together thought leaders in the sexuality field, sex educators, activists and basically anyone who is interested in creating sex positive communities. 

I found some really incredible women to work with, we got together and put on our first Converge Con April 2017. It went really well, better than we could’ve hoped for. 

We received a lot of positive feedback and I’m really proud of what we accomplished. We started planning for 2018 right away.

If you are interested in learning more about the conference, I’ll post links down below.

So that’s what I’ve been up to. And obviously I have been slacking on making videos. Then a few days ago Victor and I got together and started talking, and we got really excited on the idea of making videos together. 

Mhmm

Victor, hi! 

Hi

Thanks for making videos with me. 

Thanks for having me. 

So why don’t you tell everyone a little bit about yourself. 

Hi everyone! I’m an intersectional feminist, queer, kinky relationship anarchist.

Cool, so it sounds like we have somethings in common. 

Totally!

Yeah, so we should make some videos together!

Absolutely!

What kinds of videos should we make?

I think we should do ones on the intersection of queer culture and relationship anarchy, we should do some on kink and relationship anarchy, and we should do some on consent and relationship anarchy. That’s my interests. 

That all sounds really great.
Awesome.
Watch out for those  videos coming up! And I think that’s all for now?

Yeah, I think so. If you have any questions or comments for videos, please let us know in the comments below, and we will make content for you!

Yeah, and remember if you want to join community, we have our RA Facebook group, you can follow Victor and I on Twitter, all which you’ll also find down below. Thanks for watching.

Bye! 

Victor, hi!

Hi!

Thanks for…being my friend!

We just start doing outtakes, and everyone is like ‘What is going on??’.

‘Are you trying to make content? What is this?’.

Hierarchy and Cohabitation

Full Transcript

Hi, I’m Kale. Today I wanted to talk about some of the ways that hierarchy can creep into our relationships - through cohabitation.

Let’s talk about some of the ways that we can actively dismantle that hierarchy.

One of the steps of the relationship escalator is to move in with a partner.

There are a lot of social and economic benefits to doing this, including recognition of an important relationship or cheaper rent.

There can be legal and tax benefits as well. You can gain access to a person’s health care plan, or you can file joint taxes.

It’s not too difficult to see that there are many practical reasons to move in with someone. This is because society pushes for this configuration.

And of course there are personal reasons to move in with someone too, like being able to sleep next to them, and share your private space with them.

For some people, getting off the relationship escalator means never moving in with someone, and always keeping their own place.  

However, just because you don’t want to ride the relationship escalator, or are practicing relationship anarchy, doesn’t mean that you’re never going to want to live with someone.

In fact, it doesn’t mean you’ll never want to get married or have kids, it just means these things might look different than what society expects.

Let’s say you’re a relationship anarchist, and you generally forgo standard relationship models. But then you meet someone and you’re spending more and more time together, and you get to the point where you decide you want to live together.

So what does that mean for the other relationships in your life?

Now this one person is going to get all the social, economic and legal benefits of living with someone, and this can create an unintentional hierarchy.

As relationship anarchists, we are always working to dismantle hierarchies, and this case is no different.

It’s just an especially big one, it’s one that is socially recognized as having status.

The key here is to recognize that this change will in fact come with some change in status and benefits, at least from the outside.

Regardless of how you feel, mononormativity means your cohabitating partner will be the one recognized as your one ‘true’ relationship.

From the inside, you can still work against letting the implied hierarchy become implicit.

First, have conversations with your important people.

You don’t have to ask permission to move in with someone, but you can be considerate that this might bring up feelings.

You can say to a person, ‘Hey, there is this thing I want to do, and I recognize that once I do it, all my relationships will be viewed differently. Can we talk about how that makes you feel?’.

Don’t pretend that just because you have a non-traditional relationship that moving in together is no big deal. It still might make the people that you’re not living with feel left out.

Be supportive of any feelings that might come up. Being a relationship anarchist doesn’t mean dismissing someone’s feelings because you value your autonomy and freedom.

It’s okay for people to have feelings. It’s not okay for them to use those feelings to try to manipulate you, or make you do something you don’t want to do. But it is okay to talk about them.

It is going to be a process. You can’t talk about it once and suddenly the hierarchy doesn’t exist anymore. It is going to keep coming up and you’re going to need to keep working against it.

If it’s safe for you to be out about your relationship status, think about ways to make all of your important people more visible in your life.

Let them know with your words and actions that just because you’re not living with them, doesn’t mean they are less important.

I’m curious the ways you deal with cohabitation, and making sure no one feels left out. Find the Facebook group to join the discussion, post a comment down below, and follow me on Twitter. And thanks for watching. Bye!

RA During the Holidays

Full Transcript

Hi, I’m Kale. With Christmas coming up, I thought I would talk a little about holidays and traditions, and being a relationship anarchist this time of year.

The holidays are full of societal expectations and social pressures to be a certain way, and to do certain things.

What does this look like for people who value their independence, and want to charter their own path?

For me, it was around the time that I became an RA that I stopped following traditions that I wasn’t really into.

I stopped traveling to my parent’s home for Christmas, I stopped decorating, and I pretty much gave up on buying gifts.

At the time, I didn’t really think it had anything to do with relationship anarchy, but I can see the connections now.

There is a lot of hierarchy and expectations that take place within families, and that can really come into focus during the holidays.

A lot of us have traditions that we have always participated in, without thinking about why, or if we really want to.

For a lot of people, holidays and traditions may be things we value and really look forward to. But for other people, it might be a time when a lot of conflict comes up.

Bad memories of home, family members who either don’t know or are upset about our relationship status, lots of opinions happening, lots of eggnog flowing. It can be a recipe for a tough time.

Yet because of idea that family must be placed above everything else, we are expected to just go home, and grin and bear it.

Relationship anarchy is about deconstructing hierarchies and expectations. There is value in asking yourself why you are doing a thing - because you really want to or because you have always done it?

If you examine expectations placed on you, and find that they do align with what you want, that’s great! No one is saying you have to change what you love doing.

On the other hand, if you look at some of your holiday traditions and see that some of them aren’t serving you, or might even be harmful to you, it might be time to reconsider what you’ve been doing.

Sometimes we do things with family just because of the implied hierarchy that they should always come first.

In some cases it’s because they do come first, and that’s really who you want to spend your time with.

It’s great to have a healthy relationship with our family, and put them first if those are our most important relationships.

However, it’s also important to have healthy relationships with ourselves, and honor what is best for us.

For me, learning to honor what I needed - to spend Christmas in my own house, with my chosen family, and not feel guilty about it - was a really big deal.

It’s not always an easy path. Sometimes the people I wish I could spend time with have other things to do, and I have to respect that.

That can mean learning to be alone, when there is a lot of social stigma about being alone at Christmas. We are working against the cultural stream that places all kinds of expectations on you.

If you discover that you don’t want to go with the flow, that you want to eschew expectations and go your own way, then what?

First, tell people around you what you would like. Tell them how you envision spending time, without placing any expectations on them.

If your desires overlap, that’s great! You can start working on creating your own traditions.

If they don’t overlap in all the ways you would like, it’s time to get creative. Maybe you’ll end up spending some time alone, and that’s not the worst thing.

Fill your time with things you love doing - cook, ski, read a book, do yoga, get a manicure, play video games, whatever the things are that makes you feel good.

Enjoy the time you get to spend with yourself, and then be grateful for the time you spend with others.

For me, the point of making this video is to tell you that the holidays don’t have to be daunting and scary. They can be whatever you want them to be. If you want to follow tradition - great! If you want to make up something new, that’s okay too.

I’d love to hear how you spend the holidays, join our Facebook group to be a part of the discussion, post a comment down below, or follow me on Twitter. Whatever you end up doing, I wish you all the best! Thanks for watching, bye!

Romantic Friends and Friendly Romance

Full Transcript

Hi, I’m Kale. Today I wanted to talk about switching up our ideas of romance and friendship a little.

About how we can be more romantic towards our friends and more friendly towards our romantic partners.

Society often places a hierarchy on our romantic or sexual partners over our friends.

Romantic, sexual relationships are seen as the ideal to be upheld and celebrated above all others.

In relationship anarchy, we are trying to blur or erase those lines. And I think one way to do that is to shift our perspective on romance and friendship.

We can think of the ways that we treat our friends different than our romantic relationships

• we may place fewer expectations on them,

• we give each other lots of space,

• we may be more open to them disagreeing with us.

When we think of how we treat our romantic relationships versus our friendships, we can also see differences

• we celebrate romantic love with flowers, notes and special gifts

• we talk to each other about how the relationship is doing,

• we tell them we love them.

We can upend the romantic hierarchy by treating each relationship as it’s own individual thing.

Here are some examples of how we can integrate romance into our platonic friendships:

• Be physical with them, snuggle or hold hands

• Have check ins with them to see how the relationship is doing, put the work in we usually reserve for romantic partners

• Tell them you love them

• Make special time for them, have date nights

• Celebrate the friendship the way you would a romantic relationship

Here are some ways we can give our romantic partners some of the benefits of friendship:

• Give them lots of space and respect their autonomy

• Be more understanding when little things come up

• Appreciate the small things they do for you

• Ask ‘How would I treat my friend in this situation?’

Blurring this line between the different types of relationship we have can be useful in dismembering hierarchies, which might be present whether we are conscious of them or not.

You might already be blurring the lines between your romantic and platonic relationships. What are some of the ways you do that? To join the conversation, post a comment down below, join our Facebook group and follow me on Twitter. Thanks for watching, bye!

Let's Stop Using the Term Success or Failure

Full Transcript:

Hi, I’m Kale. Today I want to talk about how we tend to look at a relationship as either a success or a failure, and how that idea can be a fallacy.

Our society tends to have a very limited definition of success when it comes to a relationship - generally it is based first and foremost on the amount of time spent in said relationship.

Being able to say how many anniversaries you’ve celebrated, that is a big deal.

Of course there are other factors, like living together, getting married, owning property together, vacationing together, having children.

These are the ways that you concisely let someone know that this is a Successful Relationship.

Of course, on the flip side, as soon as a relationship ends, it is considered a Failed Relationship.

To be honest, it seems like in order for someone to have had a ‘successful’ relationship, one person in the relationship has to die. That’s how you reach ‘till death do you part’.

What does this all mean for a relationship anarchist? Or for anyone who doesn’t feel validation from standard relationship markers?

What if a relationship is neither a success or a failure, it just is?

And what if we don’t determine the importance of a relationship based on certain performative actions, or time spent together?

I question if those things matter in any situation, not just a non monogamous one.

There are plenty of monogamous people who break up, but that doesn’t mean that their relationship was a Failure.

If you grew in that relationship, if you loved and learned things, how can it ever be a failure? Just because it didn’t last until the day you die?

We shouldn’t value a relationship based on it’s beginning and ending, but on it’s substance.

If we changed the narrative around what makes a relationship a success or failure, we could instead just appreciated it for what it is or was.

When a relationship ends or changes, we could honour it for all the positive things it brought into our life.

It’s okay to mourn it’s ending. But rather than seeing it as a defeat, as something we did wrong and now we have to quickly move past; what if recognized the beauty of what we had?

It can be a hard thing to do, when we are in the middle of change and turmoil. It might take a long time to see the good. Or if it was a bad or abusive relationship it’s not something that ever needs to happen.

I don’t look at past relationships as failures, and I don’t look at current ones as a success.

I look at my relationships based on the good they bring into my life. If a relationship brings joy in my life, then it’s something I will put work into. If it’s not, it’s something I need to reevaluate.

What does it look like when we stop calling relationships successes or failures? Leave a comment down below or join us on Facebook, and follow me on Twitter to continue the discussion. Bye!

When We Feel Left Out

Hi, I’m Kale. Today I wanted to talk about the times when we feel left out.

In non-monogamous relationships, there are going to be times when we feel left out.

Like if someone we care about is spending extra time with a new person, or they are doing things together that sound really fun and we wish we were doing too.

The most likely time to feel this is when our important someone is spending time with a person they are romantically involved with.

We may or may not feel the same intense level of feelings when they are spending time with platonic friends.

The acronym FOMO (Fear Of Missing Out) comes out of a common occurrence in our very connected society - that we know something fun is happening elsewhere, and we are experiencing some anxiety that we are not a part of it.

This can happen when we log on Facebook, when you’re friends are at Burning Man, or when someone you care about it doing fun things when you’re not around.

In relationship anarchy we recognize that each relationship is between two autonomous individuals, so we must accept the fact that each person is free to spend their time as they choose, and it won’t always be with us.

We also work on overcoming entitlement; we want to create mutual relationships by giving people freedom rather than making demands.

With these things in mind, what do we do when we are feeling left out?

First of all, know that all our feelings are real and valid. Just because we are working on respecting other’s autonomy doesn’t mean that we won’t have feelings about their actions.

We should also always be aloud to talk about how we are feeling. It’s our actions and how we respond to things that we can be in control of, not our feelings.

It might be hard and even painful to experience left out feelings. There are a few things you can do when you notice this happening.

One is try not to resist the feeling. You are feeling it for a reason! Sit with it, and try to figure out why you are feeling it. It might not be for the reasons you first thought.

A common suggestion in poly circles is to take some time to focus on yourself. Spend time with other important people in your life, work on projects and hobbies, do things you love that make you happy.

Another thing is to avoid comparing yourself to other people. You are still an important and worthy person!

Relationship anarchy recognizes that each relationship is unique and can offer us different things.

The fact that someone we care about is spending time with someone else is not a reflection on our own worth.

If you doubt your own self worth, you might ask questions like ‘Why am I being excluded?’ or ‘Why don’t they want to spend that time with me?’.

Questions like this will only leave you feeling drained. Try to focus on things like ‘What can I do right now to embrace this time I have?’ or ‘What can I learn from this?’.

In the end, working on ourselves is the way to move through lonely feels. Sit with the feeling, look at what actions you can take, practice self care.

If you’d like to talk more about what to do when feeling left out, join our Facebook group or follow me on Twitter, both which I will post down below. Thanks for watching, bye!

Facing Fear and Uncertainty

Full Transcript:

Hi, I’m Kale. Today I wanted to talk about living with fear and uncertainty.

In all relationships, there is some level of unpredictability.

Everyone, regardless of relationship style, might at some point have to face the fear of being alone.

For monogamous couples, there are a lot of mononormative stories that help deal with this fear. Like love conquers all, happily ever after.

These stories ensure that most people can comfortably ignore any other possible outcomes.

In non-monogamous relationships, a breakup or change in relationship status might not be as terrifying, since it doesn’t necessarily mean being alone.

But there are a lot of other fears that non-monogamous people regularly face head-on.

Like the fear that someone we love and are romantic with can love and be romantic with another person.

That fear stems from uncertainty. Uncertainty that they will love us the same, that they will still want to be with us, about how things can and will change over time.

I don’t think that in relationship anarchy there is inherently more uncertainty than in a other relationship styles.

But I do think that we spend more time confronting that uncertainty directly.

When we don’t define our relationships, we aren’t making plans about what it should look like. We don’t know what path it will take.

When people we love don’t label their other relationships, we don’t know how they might affect our lives.

When we give up control, even if it is only an illusion of control, we are making ourselves more vulnerable.

All of these things can bring us joy, but they can also be really scary.

The thing is, there will always be change. As life runs it’s course, all the important people in our life will leave, either through change or eventually death. Sad but true.

There are no guarantees in life, and no matter how much we wish it, no relationship is going to last forever (whatever ‘forever’ is supposed to mean).

What can we do when we are faced with high levels of uncertainty? When we work on removing labels and expectations and letting go of control?

We can choose fear or courage.

If we live in fear of change, it can overshadow all the parts that bring us happiness. Fear will rob us of the benefits of all our hard work.

Choosing courage sounds better, right? But how do we do that?

If we choose courage, we acknowledge that we don’t know what will happen, but we are willing to be vulnerable.

Here are some ways we can choose joy and courage over fear.

Practice mindfulness, and being present. Fear is being afraid of something that might happen, bring your focus to what is happening right now.

Cultivate gratitude. Be thankful for the love that you have in your life.

Be kind to yourself. If fear sneaks up on you, acknowledge that is a valid feeling. You are choosing a path outside the norm, and there will be challenges.

Embrace change. It is the one constant in life. Don’t see it as something to get past or overcome, it is a part of the journey.

Living as a relationship anarchist requires both vulnerability and courage. It is hard to step outside of what society deems normal. But it also offers a freedom that is hard to match.

I’d love to hear about you deal with fear and uncertainty. Post a comment, join our Facebook group, or follow me on Twitter, all which you’ll find down below. Thanks for watching, bye!

Coming Out as Non-Monogamous

Hi, I’m Kale! Today I want to talk about coming out as a relationship anarchist or a non-monogamist.

I know that I am in a very privileged position to be out so openly. I don’t think I could be much more out than to be on here making videos.

I have been able to come out about being queer and a relationship anarchist without paying any penalties - I didn’t lose my job, my family, or my friends.

I recognize the privilege I have. For some people, coming out has very serious consequences. I’m going to go over some reasons why a person might want to come out or not, and some strategies for coming out.

So what are some of the reasons a person might want to come out?

Being able to be open about who and how you love is a pretty big deal. It allows you to live authentically.

If you are out, you can have conversations about your relationships and people you love, which matters in our social society.

It also influences the people around you, who you want to have close relationships with.

Being out means that you don’t have to hide the people you love, and they don’t have to feel like a secret.

Another big reason is visibility. If you are in a privileged position and free to come out, you make non-monogamy more visible.

By being out, you set an example of how it can be done ethically and consensually, and you make the idea of non-monogamy less scary.

This helps people in less privileged positions by making it harder to marginalize someone based on their relationship style.

What are some reasons it might not be a good idea to come out?

Dr. Elisabeth Sheff suggests asking: Is it relevant, necessary, and safe to come out to this person or in this situation?

There are situations where it is not safe for you to come out. If you are in danger of losing your job, your family, or your social network.

You might want to think carefully before coming out at work, or to certain people in your life who have shown to be less than open minded.

If you are a parent, you have to also consider that teachers, healthcare workers, or social services might consider your relationship style to be dangerous to a child.

Since caseworkers have the power to remove a child from their home, discussing relationship styles should be done with discretion. Sometimes it’s best to answer questions directly, and don’t offer any extra information.

If you have decided that you do want to come out, how do you go about doing that?

Coming out isn’t something that happens in one big step (unless you make a YouTube video about it). It’s usually done over time, it’s a process.

Once you figure out that you want to come out, you decide who to come out to. If it is safe, relevant and necessary, then you can move ahead.

One way to figure out if it is safe is to ask questions and see how they react. Do they support queer politics? Have they heard of ethical non-monogamy?

If they are open to so called alternative lifestyles, they might be more receptive to you coming out.

Choose your timing carefully. Doing it when you’re drunk or in the middle of a family reunion might not be the best idea.

Be honest, open, and direct and try to do it in person. Or write it in a letter, if that feels safer.

If you are not ashamed, it won’t come across as shameful. You don’t have to apologize or feel awkward.

If coming out to kids, you don’t have offer more information than they ask for, and make sure you are age appropriate.

Coming out can be scary, but so can living in secret. Be brave, you’re not alone!

If you want to talk to other relationship anarchists, you can join our Facebook group, which I’ll post down below, along with some resources for coming out. Thanks for watching, bye!

Showing Love When Time Isn't Limitless

Full Transcript

Hi, I’m Kale. Today I wanted to talk about the ways we show love when we are super busy humans and we don’t have a ton of time.

There are a lot traditional ways of showing someone that you care about them. One of the biggest ones is how much time you spend with them.

Obviously when we really, really care about someone, we will spend every possible waking moment with them, right?

What about when you really really care about two people? Or three people? Or ten?

How do you divide up your time, and show all those people that they are important to you?

In poly communities it is often said that love is infinite but time is not.

This is a way of saying that our love can grow to encompass new people, but it doesn’t mean we magically have heaps of time to spend with them.

Time is a valuable resources,and it is often commodified in non-monogamous relationships.

Spending it with someone is one way to show them you care about them, but luckily not the only way.

The thing about showing people that we care about them is that it is extremely personal.

Sometimes we show our love for people by doing things for them that we would like them to do for us.  

If we love getting little surprise gifts, we might shower someone we are interested in presents from Etsy.

If we love getting back massages, we might find often ourselves saying ‘Hey want a back rub?’ a lot.

How we recognize love being shown is also very personal. Sometimes love is being beamed at us and we might not recognize it.

What are the things you love to do for people you care about? When you first get a crush on someone, what are the little signals you send out?

On the flip side, how do we like people to show their appreciation for us? What are the things that make us feel special and cared about?

After we figure out some of the ways we like other people to show their love for us, we can tell them. We can give them specific examples.

You might think that this is going to take away the romance. Aren’t they supposed to just know the things that make our heart beat faster?

Um, nope. We are relationship anarchists, and hopefully we are a little more aware that the world doesn’t work the way it does in movies.

If we ask the people we care about how they would like us to show love, we might be surprised. It could be totally different from the things we’ve been doing.

People will probably appreciate the straightforwardness, I know I would.

For example, instead of always having to accept flowers with a smile, if that’s something you don’t really care about, you could ask for something you really want.

So, there are a ton of ways to show somebody we care about them, beyond spending time with them. Here are a few examples.

• Mailing them a letter or a card, even if they just live down the street

• Picking them up a tea or a snack on your way over to visit

• Tell them how rad they are!

• Be actively engaged when you are together and put your phone away

• Hold their hand in public

• Or don’t hold their hand in public if that’s not a thing they are into

• Walk their dog for them when they are sick (or just because)

• Do something with them that you might not do on your own but that they are really into

There are also big ways that you can show someone you care about them

• Share your life goals or you passions with them

• being there in times of crisis, and prioritize them when they need you

• Or be vulnerable in front of each other

One thing I would like to loop this all back to is consent, which is a key principle in relationship anarchy.

We can tell people how we want them to show love. And we can ask them how they want us to show love. But it should always come from a place of consent.

What really matters is that we are doing these actions voluntarily. In the end, people have to consent to how they wish to express and receive love.

If you ask someone for ways that you can make them feel special, they might say they love getting cards in the mail.

But if that isn’t something you’re really into, you don’t have to do it. You can ask for other ideas.

It is important to balance finding ways to express our love while not being coerced into doing things we really don’t want to do.

It has to be okay to say - I really do not want to go to your parents house for Christmas, without there being guilt and punishment.

Inside this conversation about showing love, leave space for the word no. Accept boundaries, and find something that works for both of you.

What are some of the ways you like to show, or be shown love? To be a part of the discussion, post a comment, join our Facebook group or follow me on Twitter, all which you will find down below. Thanks for watching, bye!

Self Care for Queers and Allies

Ever since the heinous attacks in Orlando on June 12, I’ve wanted to reach out, but struggled to find the right words. I know that a lot of people are feeling this way, shocked and at a loss of what to do next.

I want you to know that you are not alone, and people all over the world are standing with you.

Wishing that there was something I could do beyond offering words of encouragement, I decided to make a short video about self care, which is something we can all do in our own lives.

So here are some examples of things you can do to take care of yourself:

• Get your body moving, ride a bike, go dancing, do yoga

• Practice being present in your daily routine, while you are brushing your teeth, while you are walking out your front door, while you are eating breakfast

• Do nice things for your body, like get a massage or take a bath

• Watch an old movie that you really love that makes you happy

• Do small one minute meditations throughout the day, focus on your breath

• Be around your friends

• Get lots of sleep

• Make sure you are eating well

• Write, write down your feelings, or write down things you’re grateful for

• Unplug for a while, turn off your phone, take a break from Facebook

Those are ideas of things you can do for yourself, and there are other things you can do to connect to your local LGBTQ community.

• Attend Pride in your city

• Volunteer with a local community organization

• Go to the library and find books to read about queer history

• Donate money to your local LGBTQ community center

• Go to a queer film or event

If you need more support, check with your local LGBTQ community centre, they might offer free counselling or drop in services.

I hope that helped a little, I am going to post more resources down below. Know that you are not alone, I stand in solidarity. There are people all over the world working spreading compassion and love. We will get through this.

Do Relationship Anarchists Commit?

Hi, I’m Kale. Today I want to clear up some misconceptions about relationship anarchy and commitment.

I’ve had some people say to me ‘I couldn’t handle relationship anarchy, I need commitment!’

It seems that since many people associate relationship anarchy with chaos, they also assume that to be a relationship anarchist means to not have any commitments.  

My question is: what does commitment look like? Maybe to monogamous folks, it involves the relationship escalator: date, move in, marry, have kids. If you are not committed to all, or at least most of those things, you are not really committed to a relationship.

We already know that is not the likely path an RAs relationships will take. But does that mean that they don’t know how to commit?

Just because commitment doesn’t look how it might in a monogamous relationship, does not make it less real, or important.

An RA relationship will set it’s own tone, and the people involved will form their own types of commitments together.

How we practice commitments as relationship anarchists is important. You can practice relationship anarchy without having spent your life as an anarchist, but some of the politics are integral to how we perform RA.

Here are some key points to commitment within an anarchist framework:

• They will be discussed and reached based on consent, non-coercion and mutual aid

• They are an on on-going communication

• They help make people’s desires clear

• They will be fluid and the terms can be renegotiated

• They are always voluntary, a person can choose to opt-out at any time

The thing about any type of commitment is that it is not often static and permanent.

No matter how committed someone may be in the moment, in the long term it is possible, if not probable, that things will change.

What we are doing in relationship anarchy is recognizing a person’s autonomy, and allowing space for that change.

Once you realize that commitment is a living thing, that it can change and evolve, you can acknowledge that it’s permanence is a fallacy.

That means that you must look at what is going on in this moment.

In some ways, this approach can give us more reassurance about a person’s commitment. Every day that they show up they are re-affirming that they want to be there.

If someone can opt out at any moment, and they still choose to be there, that is a powerful sign of being committed!

So, can relationship anarchists commit? Of course they can. They do it intentionally, deliberately, with much careful thought.

They recognize that every commitment might not be from now until the day they die, but if they are there it means they fully and completely want to be.

If you’re a relationship anarchist, how do you practice commitment? If you want to be a part of the discussion, post a comment, join our Facebook group or follow me on Twitter, all which you will find down below. Thanks for watching, bye!

The Tropes and Troubles With Unicorn Hunting

Hi, I’m Kale. Today I’m going to talk about the problems with unicorn hunting.

I’ll start with What the heck is unicorn hunting?

Generally speaking, here is what it looks like: A couple, who are progressive and open minded, have typically been together a while and have decided to open their relationship and try polyamory.

The man will be straight and the woman will be bisexual, and they will be searching for a bisexual woman that will be in a relationship with both of them.

This makes it an adventure they are going on together, they want to explore new things as a unit.

The idea is that this will feel safer, be more equal and fair, and negate jealousy. The bisexual woman and the couple will form a triad relationship and ta-da, they are poly.

The thing is, couples looking for this mythical woman is so common, that the poly community has made a name for it - they call it unicorn hunting.

So what’s the problem with hunting for unicorns? The thing is, unicorn hunting is not just cruising for casual sex. Here are few common tropes that make this behaviour problematic:

• The couple will only want to explore with a woman, because society says it’s totally cool for women to explore their bisexuality, but that’s not a thing dudes should do.

• The man gets to maintain status as the only penis in town, which is also so common it has a name: OPP or One Penis Policy, or also known as Patriarchal Bullshit.

• The couple will only be looking for a bisexual woman, and assume she will be equally attracted to both members of the couple.

• Only one man means the dude can rest easy, since he doesn’t have to be threatened by lady sex (at least his partner is not having sex with another man)

• It might be presented as a chance for the woman in the couple to explore her bisexuality, but that doesn’t make it clear why the dude needs to be involved.

• The unicorn, I mean person, will be expected to sleep with both of them at the same time, and be sexually exclusive to them.

• The unicorn will be expected to be involved romantically and equally with both partners.

• The couple will strive, above all else, to protect their relationship as a couple; the unicorn shall not come between them.

• Her status inside the couple depends on her continuing to want to sleep with members of both sexes, something that might ebb and flow for people.

Is this starting to give you an ick kind of feeling in your stomach? Let’s talk about the problems of unicorn hunting.

First of all, what should be obvious is that it does not recognize the unicorn’s personhood - it reduces them to a thing (a bisexual woman to have sex with). So I’m going to stop calling them the unicorn and start calling them a human.

Human’s, not surprisingly, have thoughts and feelings and emotions totally independent of what other people tell them to do. Let’s take a look at their point of view.

• They might only be interested or attracted to one half of a couple.

• They might not be into group sex.

• Like anyone, they can’t control how or when they start to develop romantic feelings.

• They will still have a life outside of the couple, and if they are non-monogamous will likely want to have outside relationships.

• At times they may want to have sex with just one half of the couple, because, you know, that is how people most often have sex. If this is off limits, it’s denying the person the right to choose what kind of sex they have.

• Over time feelings might change, and they might stop wanting to have sex all together with half of the couple. If this isn’t allowed, they either have to have sex with someone they don’t want to have sex with, or lose someone they care about.

• They might enjoy having a say in how their relationships looks, how they want it to run, whom they are allowed to spend their time with.

Looking for a unicorn to fit into this script reduces a person to a thing. It takes away their voice and their rights.

I should mention here that there are people who identify themselves as unicorns, and are looking to enter a relationship with a couple. There is power in choosing that label for yourself.

There are many pitfalls when unicorn hunting. If undertaken, it should be accompanied with a lot of self examination and forethought.

What if you’re a couple and you want to explore having sex with other people? I’m not saying you shouldn’t! Just that you should be very conscious of how you go about it.

Let’s talk about this from a relationship anarchist point of view. The basis of RA is personal liberty, and looking for someone specifically to be a unicorn is violating that liberty.

An RA would enter a relationship with a person trying not to have any expectations of how that relationship is going to develop. This of course includes expectations of who a person should be having sex with.

If each relationship is allowed space to become whatever both people want, it could very well grow into a situation where people are having group sex. But it wouldn’t be the goal or the endgame.

It would develop, through communication and mutual desires. With everyone having a voice about what happens, who is involved, and for how long.

I’m going to leave it at that for now. I’ve also added some great resources for you to check out. Come join our Facebook group for more discussion. Thanks for watching, bye!

Facebook Relationship Statuses

Full Transcript:

Hi, I'm Kale! Today I want to talk about why I stopped using the relationship status feature on Facebook.

When you practice non-traditional relationships, it's not unusual to notice how the world around you is focused on the almighty Couple. You constantly bump in to social structures that reinforce that two is the magic number. 

From innocuous seeming things like
package vacation deals for two or
invitations extended to you and plus one, 
all the way to huge, life affecting things like not being able to bring your Important People to meet your family
or put them on your work benefits. 

Growing up in a couple-centric culture, I'd assumed that there was nothing I could do. But lately I've been learning to stand up in small ways.

I started questioning those norms, looking at where they exist, asking what they mean in my life. 

I started challenging the the defaults, the assumptions, the structures. 

I examined the places where hierarchies are socially imposed.

I am still doing it. When I bump into something, I see if there are changes I can make. If there aren't, I talk to the people around me about how it makes me feel.

Can we dismantle heteronormative stereotypes in one night? No. Can we unlink our OKC profiles so it doesn't position one relationship above another? Yes. 

It's very much an ongoing process, I can't imagine ever being finished.

That brings me to a challenging space : Facebook. One thing about Facebook that has put me off for a long time is the Relationship Status setting. 

What flows from that status is a whole lot of assumptions made by people who see it. 

Those assumptions pop up frequently, in the comments, shared memories, in celebrated anniversaries. All things that reinforced the magic number two. 

Of course now you can have Open Relationship, and I'm sure soon, if not already, you'll be able to link more than one profile.

Another option is to say Open Relationship and leave the other name blank, which could say 'I am in relationships with an unspecified number of people.' That is what I did for a while.

Then I began asking what statement does that make? Is the point to make it seem like at least I'm not single? Being single is awesome, it shouldn't matter if people think I'm single or not. 

Does it let my internet friends know that I have Important People? If they know me, they know that already.

For me, regardless of what changes Facebook makes, the relationship status is clinging to a monogamous norm that I don't want to be a part of any more.

No matter what you set your status as, someone will always be left out. Who do you include?

Person A is the one I'm currently connecting with deeply on an emotional level, but Person B is who I am spending the most time with. Then there is Person C, who I am crazy about, but we don't sleep together. 

Since I don't subscribe to the idea that sex makes one relationship more important than another one, that doesn't influence who my Important People are. On top of that, the relationships in my life are always shifting, and what they mean to me is also shifting. 

If I link someone to my profile, then a few months later realize I'm not seeing them very often, do I take them off? 

Even if I linked five, twenty, fifty people, someone could feel left out. Where does it stop? As soon as I link anyone, I am separating them from everyone else.

Where I landed on all this: I am done with relationship statuses all together. I don't care if the people in Facebook land know anything about my relationships, about who is important to me. 

I care that my Important People know what they mean to me, and I have much better ways of showing them how much I love them than by linking our profiles.

I would love to know how you feel at all this, please post a comment down below or join our Facebook discussion group. And subscribe to my channel and follow my Twitter to get future videos. Thanks for watching, bye!

Do Relationship Anarchists Go Through Breakups?

Full Transcript:

Hi, I'm Kale. Today I wanted to talk about when relationships transition.

In traditional relationships, the trajectory is set - date, move in, get married, have kids. Or possibly at some point along that path, break up. Then meet new person to date and start the cycle over again.

So what happens when you don't 'date' people? If you have relationships that looks like this vin diagram, and are involved with people based around the things that the two of you want to do together, what happens when that middle part changes?

When the last person I was living with moved out, everyone wanted to know 'Did you break up?'. I didn't really know what to tell them. Our relationship was still similar to what it had been when we were living together. In fact, it was much better because living together hadn't been working for us.

When we realized that the living together part of our relationship wasn't working, we changed it. One we removed the stressors cause by cohabitating, our relationship transitioned into something new.

Saying 'We broke up' didn't fit at all. We weren't breaking anything, we were making it better. A break up sounds like a demotion, but we still cared about each other, were invested in each other's happiness. 

To be honest, I think what people actually wanted to know is 'Did you stop having sex?'. Because that is how we measure the importance of a relationship. So many questions really boil down to this.

Are you dating? Are you just friends? Are you friends with benefits? Did you stop seeing him? All of these questions are really asking 'So, tell me about your sex life.'

As a relationship anarchists, I don't value certain relationships more because I'm having sex with a person. So at some point, I just started refusing to answer these kinds of questions.

It's not easy, when people want a specific answer. They ask Are you together or not? They don't want to hear you respond with What do you mean by together? 
What difference does it make if we're having sex or not? 
If we lived together but stopped having sex, is that a break up?
What do you mean by dating, exactly?

You can't immediately categorize someone if you can't ask them if they are dating. You can't fit them into this space if your brain that says They go here.

In some ways, this has been really hard for me. Once I started living alone, people saw that relationship as over, or less important. Our families certainly did, no more invites to come along when they are in town. 

If felt like they were saying, 'Okay, on to the next person. Anyone new we can meet?'
How do you answer? 'Well, this person is still important to me, we just don't live together anymore'. Or 'Well, I actually have another person that's been around for years, we've just made a decision never to cohabitate'.

Either way, unless you have a very understanding family who is open to meeting anyone you wish to introduce them to, (in which case, yay!), you'll probably bump into this.

It's something that poly people have had to deal with for ages. It's just a little different for relationship anarchists, because on top of having multiple simultaneous relationships, we might have relationships that are always in flux, and hard to define.

Back to the question of if RAs can have break ups. I think the word break up might not necessarily apply, but of course there are still reasons to cut ties with someone completely. 

If they are abusive, or the relationship has become toxic and is beyond repair. In those cases, it makes complete sense to step away and make a conscious choice to end that relationship.

But if there are still good parts to the relationship, if that middle section of the vin diagram still exists, it has just shifted, then I don't see a need to 'break up' or stop seeing a person.

Relationship anarchy gives people the space to be themselves, and make their own choices. If the two of you find that some parts of your relationship aren't working, like living together or sleeping together, change that. 

It can be hard, because people may feel that they are being relegated to a less important space in your life.. It might take work on both your parts to manage the new dynamic.

But if you communicate that this is the best way you see to keep them in your life, hopefully they will understand and your relationship will be better for it.

How do you feel about break ups? If you are an RA, do you still break up with people? Let me know in the comments, or join our Facebook group, both which you'll find down below. And follow me on Twitter and subscribe to my channel to get future videos.

The Anarchy in Relationship Anarchy

Full Transcript:

Hi, I'm Kale. Today I want to talk about the Anarchy in Relationship Anarchy. People have a lot of funny ideas about anarchy in general, so let's talk about that. 

Most of us probably have had very little exposure to anarchistic principles. It might make you think of grade school, and the time you learned about the political spectrum. You know Karl Marx, communism, Stalinist Russia, fascist dictatorships. It might conjure up ideas about chaos and violence, burning government buildings and people in bandannas throwing Molotov cocktails.

So the word anarchy doesn't give you warm, fuzzy feelings, and you might be wondering 'Why exactly would I want that in my relationships?!'.

Let's start with a super basic introduction to anarchy, so we are all on the same page. 

Anarchists stand against authority.

Basically they don't believe another person has the right to make decisions for them, to give them orders or tell them how to live their lives. That part sounds good, right?

This idea can actually make people afraid, especially if they jump straight to extreme examples. If we don't believe in authority, what is to stop someone from committing physical violence against us?

Although anarchists reject most authority, there are exceptions. Rather than simply accepting the power authority has, they ask two questions: is this authority justified and is it necessary?  Some authority is justified and necessary. 

The authority of parents to stop their children from harming themselves. The authority of a child to take over their elderly parent's finances when they are no longer able to deal with them. The authority of society to stop a person from committing physical violence against someone. 

Anarchists also stand against hierarchy.

As you can see by the definition, hierarchies are synonymous with authority. There is by default a person at the top in a position of power, and subordinates underneath them. 

You are probably starting see how a lot of this is connected to relationship anarchy.

While anarchists stand against authority and hierarchies, they stand for personal liberty and autonomy.

This definition really speaks to me about the deep connection between anarchy and relationship anarchy. 

They both reject the authority of other people to make decisions for them, including the people closest to them. 

They both highly value autonomy, they want to be their own person, make their own decisions, follow their hearts, act on their desires. 

They reject both hierarchies. 

Relationship anarchists reject hierarchies within their romantic relationships, and don't have primaries or secondaries. They also reject social hierarchies, and don't place romantic relationships above aromantic ones.

These are just a few basic ideas, but you can start to see how important the Anarchy in Relationship Anarchy is. If you want to talk about this further, join our Facebook group down below. Follow me on Twitter and subscribe to my channel to get future videos.

How to Communicate Without Rules

Full Transcript:

Hi, I'm Kale. In my last video I talked about replacing rules with personal boundaries. Today I want to talk about how to communicate needs without using rules.

Having rules is about controlling behaviour. Having clear boundaries is about taking responsibility for yourself, rather than shifting it onto someone else.

A rules is often put in place to prevent something from happening, something that makes us uncomfortable. Without the rule, we have to face what it is that makes us uncomfortable, and ask ourselves why.

For example, take having a rule that says 'No sleepovers, you must always come home at night'. Getting rid of that rule doesn't mean that you suddenly have no feelings about sleepovers. And that is okay!

We can still have feelings, and we are allowed to talk about them. We can tell the people in our lives how we feel about things, we just don't maintain power to make decisions for them. This is a really important point. 

Sometimes feelings can be used as subtle manipulators to get our way, whether we intend to or not. This is where personal work and growth comes in. 

We have to separate our feelings from expectations. Be able to tell someone how we feel, without expecting them to do anything or change their behaviour.

All of our feelings are valid and allowed. Rather than making a rule to avoid those uncomfortable feelings, we can discuss them. 

The person we tell our feelings to is not obligated to act differently so that we don't have to face the feelings. What they can do is hold space for us, listen to what we are going through, and give us emotional support.

Okay, let's use the example of the No sleepovers rule. With that rule, you just make it and forget about it. Without the rule, you now have to face what is it about sleepovers that makes you uncomfortable.

Why is it scary for a person not to come home at night? Do you worry you will be lonely? Do you worry they will stay away more and more? It is okay to talk about these things! 

You can say something like 'I am feeling anxious about you having sleepovers for these reasons', and list them. For example 'It is something very special to me and I am having a hard time. I am afraid I will get lonely.' In this case, you are talking about yourself and your reactions, you are owning the feeling.

After that, it is up to the person to decide what they want to do. They could say 'I agree, that is something special for the two of us and right now I don't want to sleep next to anyone else.' 

Or, they may say 'I hear that you are having a hard time with this. It is still something I am going to do, but we can talk about your feelings and ways you might feel better.'

Maybe the other person is still going to have sleepovers, but they can recognize that you have some anxiety about it, and spend time with you to talk about what you are going through.

And maybe there are things they are willing to do to help alleviate that anxiety. Like texting you to say goodnight, or meeting you for breakfast in the morning. It's not about finding a compromise, it's about you both doing what you need and want to do while still showing compassion for the other person.

If they are still going to go on that sleepover, there might be a lot of feelings you need to work through. No one said this was the easy route!

One awesome part of going forward this way is you will get to address your feelings, and realize that the other person does care about them. And the best part, in my opinion, is that every time they sleep next to you, you will 100% know it is because they want to be there.

It's scary, owning your feelings and letting go of control. But rules only create a false sense of control anyway. Work on good communication and be clear on your boundaries. The benefits of living from a place of freedom will far outweigh the scary parts.

I hope that gave you an idea of how to start communicating your needs without imposing rules. To talk about this more, join our Facebook group down below. And to get future videos, subscribe to my channel and follow me on Twitter. Thanks, bye!

Boundaries Not Rules

Full Transcript:

Hi, I'm Kale. Today I want to talk about relationship rules, and why I don't have any, and boundaries, and why I think they are really important.

Both monogamous and non-monogamous relationships can have rules. These rules can be either assumed or explicitly agreed upon. For example, it is common for a monogamous relationship to have the assumed rule of sexual exclusivity. That might even extend to no flirting, or no close friends of the opposite sex. For some people those rules might seem obvious, other people might be surprised to find themselves expected to follow them. 

In most polyamorous relationships couples will sit down and discuss rules, even create a relationship agreement where the rules are written down. These can be as simple as Communicate and Have Safe Sex, or as complex as how and when a person can start dating, how often and what kind of time they can spend with another person, if they can have sleepovers, and so on. 

To me rules bring all kinds of complications, and limit autonomy. They remove trust in a person's judgement, and come from a place of fear.

Okay, so what is the alternative when there are no rules? Does that mean that people act however they want, regardless of if other people get hurt? Is it just a big free for all?

Well, no. We still choose to be with people we trust and assume they will act in our best interest. We also clearly communicate our boundaries. That is a big piece, so I want to dig into it a little.

What is a boundary? There are all kinds of boundaries. Physical boundaries are about your personal space, privacy, and body. There are sexual boundaries, which are about comfort level with sexual touch and activity - what, where, when, and with whom. 

They types of boundaries I'm going to talk about are emotional boundaries, which separate your emotions and responsibility for them from someone else's.

Having clear internal boundaries means knowing your feelings. They mean taking responsibility for yourself, rather than putting the onus on someone else. 

Rules are different. Rules tell someone what they have to do, and they restrict other people's behaviour. They also often don't often address the root need of why the rule is in place.

Here are some examples of a rules and boundaries.

Rule
You must always use condoms with everyone you have sex with, so I don't have to and I feel safe.

The rule here tells the other person how they must act.

Boundary
I will not have unbarriered sex with someone who is having unbarriered sex with other people.

The boundary is owning your own choices, it's about your level of comfort around sexual health.

Rule
I have to meet and approve of all of my metamours. 

The rule here does not make space for the metamours needs, it removes their autonomy.

Boundary
My metamours and I will choose and consent to how involved we are in each other's lives.

The boundary allows everyone to consent according to their level of comfort.

Rule
You have to sleep at home every night.

The problem with this rule is that it is controlling two people: takes the choice away from the person you are living with, and it imposes restrictions on someone else they may wish to spend the night with. 

Rules are about trying to feel safe by limiting the actions of other people. Rather than fostering trust, they try to control people so we don't have to feel scared or unsure. 

Setting clear boundaries in place of rules allows autonomy, creates space for communication, and strengthens trust.

In my next video, I'll talk about how to communicate boundaries, so follow me on Twitter or join our Facebook group down below, or subscribe to my channel. Thanks for watching, bye!

Relationship Anarchy and Social Hierarchy

Full Transcript:

Hi! I'm Kale. I am going to talk about how relationship anarchy differs from polyamory in how it levels out social hierarchies. 

Polyamory

Polyamory is a relationship style where people have romantic relationships with more than one person. It is a form of ethical nonmonogamy, and is based on consent. 

Polyamorous people might choose to have hierarchies within their romantic relationships, or choose not to. However, most poly folks will still follow the monogamous norm of ranking romantic relationships above aromantic ones. This is where relationship anarchy differs. 

Relationship anarchists don't categorize their relationships based conventional standards. For example, whether their relationship is romantic or aromantic, sexual or not sexual, whether they live with a person or do not, or whether they have had a relationship with them a long time or for a short time. 

So, what does this actually mean?

I have been asked before, if I don't rank any relationships in my life, is a new friend is as important to me as the people I love? Or do I have to love everyone the same?

Short answer: no. I still have people that I care about more than other people, that I invest more of my time in, that occupy an intimate space in my life. The thing is, each relationship I have is allowed to develop independently of my other relationships. 

What happens when I meet someone new?

There is Potential

If I meet a new person, our relationship has the potential to become anything. It is up to the two of us, and where our needs and desires overlap. There aren't check marks next to roles that are already filled in my life. 

The relationship can become something that works for both of us. The possibilities are only limited by what we each want. If we decide to be intimate, that does not mean we have to have sex (but it could!). Behaviours arentt intrinsically linked to one type of relationship or another. 

All the Assembly Required

The structure of a relationship could take any form, it's not dictated by normative models of how people are supposed to act. You get to decide together! If a person isn't pigeonholed as a boyfriend or 'just a friend', they don't have to act in ways that boyfriends and just friends are supposed to act. 

Time Together

I make conscious choices about who I spend time with. There is no obligation, I don't have to spend time with a certain person because it is expected. I spend time with people because it makes me happy.

What Does That Look Like

To imagine what that could look like, step outside the box and keep stepping. Think of snuggling a friend you don't have a sexual relationship with. Or buying a house with them, or raising kids with them. It is exciting to meet a new person. You don't have to immediately start asking 'where is this headed?'.

Expectations

Saying 'have no expectations' is a lot easier than having no expectations. However, if you start from a place where your path is not predetermined, it makes it a lot easier to let go of how things should turn out. It allows you and people around you to act from a place of freedom and inspiration.

So, what about sex?!

Okay, sex! With all this stuff I've been talking about, it means that the most important relationship in your life could be with someone you never have sex with. It is hard to understand in a world where sex is of the utmost importance. For most monogamous and poly folk, romantic sexual love still rules over all other types of love.

This is not necessarily true for relationship anarchists. A relationship anarchist could live with one person, have sex with them, and raise kids with them. Or, they could live with one person, have sex with someone else, raise kids with a third person. Make sense?

If you feel like this is a strange idea, then imagine this. You have a friend you hangout with all the time. You are always there for each other, you go on vacation together, you are inseparable. Then one of you gets involved in a whirlwind romance and suddenly the two of you hardly see each other. 

Isn't that weird? But that's how it is 'supposed' to work. If you are focused on finding one specific type of romantic love, you might miss out on all the other great loves in your life!

I hoped this helped a little to understand how RAs might engage in their relationships. If you want to keep talking about this, please post a comment below or join our Facebook group. And subscribe to my channel to get future videos. Thanks, bye!