Hi, I’m Kale. Today I want to talk about how we tend to look at a relationship as either a success or a failure, and how that idea can be a fallacy.
Our society tends to have a very limited definition of success when it comes to a relationship - generally it is based first and foremost on the amount of time spent in said relationship.
Being able to say how many anniversaries you’ve celebrated, that is a big deal.
Of course there are other factors, like living together, getting married, owning property together, vacationing together, having children.
These are the ways that you concisely let someone know that this is a Successful Relationship.
Of course, on the flip side, as soon as a relationship ends, it is considered a Failed Relationship.
To be honest, it seems like in order for someone to have had a ‘successful’ relationship, one person in the relationship has to die. That’s how you reach ‘till death do you part’.
What does this all mean for a relationship anarchist? Or for anyone who doesn’t feel validation from standard relationship markers?
What if a relationship is neither a success or a failure, it just is?
And what if we don’t determine the importance of a relationship based on certain performative actions, or time spent together?
I question if those things matter in any situation, not just a non monogamous one.
There are plenty of monogamous people who break up, but that doesn’t mean that their relationship was a Failure.
If you grew in that relationship, if you loved and learned things, how can it ever be a failure? Just because it didn’t last until the day you die?
We shouldn’t value a relationship based on it’s beginning and ending, but on it’s substance.
If we changed the narrative around what makes a relationship a success or failure, we could instead just appreciated it for what it is or was.
When a relationship ends or changes, we could honour it for all the positive things it brought into our life.
It’s okay to mourn it’s ending. But rather than seeing it as a defeat, as something we did wrong and now we have to quickly move past; what if recognized the beauty of what we had?
It can be a hard thing to do, when we are in the middle of change and turmoil. It might take a long time to see the good. Or if it was a bad or abusive relationship it’s not something that ever needs to happen.
I don’t look at past relationships as failures, and I don’t look at current ones as a success.
I look at my relationships based on the good they bring into my life. If a relationship brings joy in my life, then it’s something I will put work into. If it’s not, it’s something I need to reevaluate.
What does it look like when we stop calling relationships successes or failures? Leave a comment down below or join us on Facebook, and follow me on Twitter to continue the discussion. Bye!