Hi, I’m Kale. Today I wanted to talk about living with fear and uncertainty.
In all relationships, there is some level of unpredictability.
Everyone, regardless of relationship style, might at some point have to face the fear of being alone.
For monogamous couples, there are a lot of mononormative stories that help deal with this fear. Like love conquers all, happily ever after.
These stories ensure that most people can comfortably ignore any other possible outcomes.
In non-monogamous relationships, a breakup or change in relationship status might not be as terrifying, since it doesn’t necessarily mean being alone.
But there are a lot of other fears that non-monogamous people regularly face head-on.
Like the fear that someone we love and are romantic with can love and be romantic with another person.
That fear stems from uncertainty. Uncertainty that they will love us the same, that they will still want to be with us, about how things can and will change over time.
I don’t think that in relationship anarchy there is inherently more uncertainty than in a other relationship styles.
But I do think that we spend more time confronting that uncertainty directly.
When we don’t define our relationships, we aren’t making plans about what it should look like. We don’t know what path it will take.
When people we love don’t label their other relationships, we don’t know how they might affect our lives.
When we give up control, even if it is only an illusion of control, we are making ourselves more vulnerable.
All of these things can bring us joy, but they can also be really scary.
The thing is, there will always be change. As life runs it’s course, all the important people in our life will leave, either through change or eventually death. Sad but true.
There are no guarantees in life, and no matter how much we wish it, no relationship is going to last forever (whatever ‘forever’ is supposed to mean).
What can we do when we are faced with high levels of uncertainty? When we work on removing labels and expectations and letting go of control?
We can choose fear or courage.
If we live in fear of change, it can overshadow all the parts that bring us happiness. Fear will rob us of the benefits of all our hard work.
Choosing courage sounds better, right? But how do we do that?
If we choose courage, we acknowledge that we don’t know what will happen, but we are willing to be vulnerable.
Here are some ways we can choose joy and courage over fear.
Practice mindfulness, and being present. Fear is being afraid of something that might happen, bring your focus to what is happening right now.
Cultivate gratitude. Be thankful for the love that you have in your life.
Be kind to yourself. If fear sneaks up on you, acknowledge that is a valid feeling. You are choosing a path outside the norm, and there will be challenges.
Embrace change. It is the one constant in life. Don’t see it as something to get past or overcome, it is a part of the journey.
Living as a relationship anarchist requires both vulnerability and courage. It is hard to step outside of what society deems normal. But it also offers a freedom that is hard to match.
I’d love to hear about you deal with fear and uncertainty. Post a comment, join our Facebook group, or follow me on Twitter, all which you’ll find down below. Thanks for watching, bye!