Hi, I’m Kale!
And I’m Victor! Today we wanted to talk about relationship anarchist milestones; some of the ways we show meaning, significance, and importance in our relationships.
In our last video we talked about what is the relationship escalator. Relationship anarchists are inherently off the escalator. And once you’re off the relationship escalator, relationship milestones can look different.
Right, so let’s talk about what some of those relationship milestones are.
The definition of a milestone is an action or event marking a significant change or stage in development. Today we’ll talk about some typical and atypical ones.
Relationship Anarchists show meaning in lots of ways including some typical ones.
For example, they might: celebrate amount of time of time they spend together in a relationship by celebrating anniversaries or keep things like toothbrushes at each others’ houses.
Yes! Or exchange building keys, go on vacations together, or meet each others’ families or chosen families.
But what if you are in a relationship with someone who doesn’t want to celebrate anniversaries? Or doesn’t want to introduce you to their family?
[dramatic] What do we do!? What do we dooooo?
That can be a normal reaction… Sort of.
Right! It is valid and okay to feel like that. It’s real that some people won’t enjoy traditional milestones! So let’s look at some alternatives that will hopefully help keep you panic free.
A Relationship Anarchist also can celebrate relationships in atypical ways.
• They might notice how each is showing up over time
• They might do a brand new activity together for the first time
• Or share their passions with each other
• And not take anything for granted
So one way I think about milestones in relationships is through the lens of Compassionate Communication or Nonviolent Communication sometimes called NVC.
So for those people watching who haven’t heard of NVC, can you describe it a little bit?
Absolutely! So Marshall Rosenberg wrote a book a called Nonviolent Communication and he talks about his framework of needs exchange and a no pressure system of making requests.
Right! The idea is to learn the core need behind a request so you can find satisfying alternatives.
Right! I find it helps me get clear on what I need and want which gets me better outcomes when I’m negotiating.
Hey Kale, I’m feeling insecure about my screenwriting, and I guess that means I have a need for validation, so would you be interested in maybe giving me a hug [to] help support me?Today I kinda don’t feel like a hug, but could I support you verbally instead?
Victor, I think you do a great job, and I love co-writing scripts with you.
Oh my god! Now I want to hug you!
YOU CAN HUG ME!
*alternative affectionate noise*
So let’s talk about some alternative milestones and the needs they feed!
• One of the alternative milestones you might notice is having a bonding metamour experience. This can feed needs for community, security, visibility, or approval.
• One fun milestone is sharing unique or first time experiences with each other like going to festivals. This can feed needs for novelty, adventure, or connection.
• Another milestone that people sometimes miss is surviving the first fight together. This can feed needs for emotional security, trust, or forgiveness.
• One recurring alternative milestone is being vulnerable or intimate with our core identities or other closely guarded knowledged. This is often marked by feelings of satisfied needs for trust, support, validation, intimacy.
These type of atypical milestones are significant even if they are not as visible.
Right. Your relationship are worthy no matter what milestones you choose to celebrate. What matters is how you feel and that you’re able to communicate it.
Yeah. It’s important that you’re on the same page about these things. If you value different milestones, it can lead to feeling unloved, uncared for, and even feeling hurt. If it’s meaningful for you to leave your favourite slippers at someone’s house, and they don’t make space for that, you should probably talk about it.
Right. No judgments - why is there resistance? What’s your core need that you want to get met? And what core need of theirs maybe isn’t getting met in celebrating that milestone? More importantly, if you’re unable to resolve that needs conflict, is this a milestone you can live without?
These situations are actually opportunities to learn alternative milestones that work better for both of you.
Absolutely! And it gives you an opportunity to reconcile your expectations inside of that relationship.
f you want to chat more to fellow relationship anarchists, there is an RA FAcebook group. And you can follow myself or Victor on Twitter.
You can find those links and more resources down below. And feel free to join the conversation and leave us a question or a comment.
Those are. Those are my goals. Panicked reaction.
You can do like this and a bunch of stuff without falling out of your chair.
I could. I could!
But you don’t want to!
It’s normal to have a reaction like that… sort of.
… [whispered] that’s my line.
If you want to chat with fellow relationship anarchists you can join the RA Facebook group on Facebook.